My DrEaMviLLe

          Life is not a bed of roses… I certainly agree to that phrase! Yeah, life is tough! For me, life is like a rose plant full of thorns, which represent the trials and tribulations in life; and the roses, which are the sweetest things that could happen in one’s life… And the stem of the plant, is the support where thorns grow on it and beautiful roses are produced from it… Well, my stem is definitely the One and only One— GOD! He puts me through trials and tribulations as I grow each day, to make me learn some precious lessons from each hardship… Every cloud has a silver lining… It’s absolutely true for me! However, He will not put me through temptations and difficulties that I cannot bear. I often let Him down, but He’s there for me, offering me His endless mercy and never-ending chances to improve. He has brought me out of darkness and help me find my way through the tunnel of light. I owe Him for the salvation I have through my Lord Jesus Christ. He sent His one and only Son to die for our sins. How amazingly unbelievable is that? Me, a once-spiritually-poor peasant, is now filled by His grace and everlasting love! A few days ago, my dad and I argued… Dad has been against Christianity all this while… I was such a bad testimony that I gave dad an opportunity to condemn God, and Lord Jesus my saviour! I was overwhelmed by a pang of guilt, I lost faith and I almost gave up on life… I thought, what good am I left to be in this world? I disappoint my dad; I am a failure, a disaster, a nightmare, the black sheep of my family- I screw up everything it seems… Dad and I lack communication since mom’s gone… He is so in his adult world and I am barely halfway through adulthood. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how my dad feels or thinks, and dad on the other hand, will never try to listen and see from my teenage perspective! What am I to do? Teenagers nowadays are way different than the teens in his era. I felt so useless when dad kept pointing out every little mistake I did (even when it never occurred to me what I did was actually wrong in dad’s eyes) and kept mentioning my problematic past. He still views me as the negative person I used to be when I have tried my best to prove to the world that I’m a changed person. This is what I meant earlier in my other journal, people just wouldn’t give me the chance to show that I’ve turned over a new leaf, though still pacing myself. With my PMS season, I got so emotional I let words slip off my tongue… The situation turned ugly. Thankfully, in the end, I managed to turn on dad’s silent mode, letting me finish my sentences without him chipping in and interrupting. Nonetheless, the conversation didn’t come to any conclusion as step mom called dad off for bedtime. Dad was my unsung hero, but once more, what happened??? I was rather frustrated, I thought that things between dad and I improved, that we’d let out what we’d bottled up all these years during a 3-hours long (emotional & unexpected)conversation, but I was wrong. The misunderstandings just make me feel that all my attempts to improve the cold situations are futile. To dad, I have no rights to defend myself nor voice out my opinion, how I feel. He told me that there’s no justice in this world. Even if I got accused of something I didn’t do, I’d have to take the blame. As for me, I’m not being aggressive or rebellious, I just want dad to know that I want to make the father-daughter relationship work out and create a better family environment. I failed! That is when I thought I should die instead of all the other innocent souls out there. They deserve a better life ahead. I am crushed. My hopes for a better life are shattered. I humiliated God, I failed Him as well, I was a disgrace to Him and His Kingdom! I wanted to take the easy way out. I didn’t and couldn’t… I was supposed to stay positive and think of a better solution. But my mind was in such a mess, all I thought was, to leave to somewhere far away. I wasted so much tears. The next day, I gained my courage, stepped up, and prayed to God that He’d restore my faith once again and guide me on what to do. Fortunately, my friend was there to save me. She’s my angel! PL2, I owe you this! Things were much better, but somehow, it still felt so awkward with dad at home… I just have to continue praying for things to be better and better… If all I’m going through now is my "wound", I hope that I could see the "pearl" soon! Guess I should work harder to enhance my everything (overall)! All credit is given to my Lord; He showed me that He IS still there for me, come what may! He lightened up my life once again when I was caught in life’s despair. He helped to ease my pain from afflictions. He stood by me through life’s ups-and-downs. I found peace… again… That is why, I’m going to live on with brand new hope, faith and outlook… Walk with faith in your heart, and you’ll never walk alone, for with faith in your heart, the world is yours to own, you never will grieve, if in Him you believe, so walk with faith in your heart!

Dear Father in Heaven, as not to let you down again, I’ll hold on to my favourite verses, Proverbs 3:5-6, I’ll strive for a more meaningful life ahead. Amen.