My DrEaMviLLe

Wow… It’s been so long since I left this blog unattended… Anyway, no big deal I guess, I don’t think people really read it anyway… I just post here to let out how I feel, so I don’t keep everything to myself. I quit my job on end of March. Since then, I haven’t been doing anything, just stayed at home. I had to decide on studying or working. I wanted to study, deep inside I really want to make my mom (though she’s no longer here) & dad proud. Besides, dad keeps insisting that a degree is really important in order to have a brighter future. Is that piece of paper so important? There are people who made it in this world without that stupid cert ok? As much as I wanted to study, I couldn’t decide on what course and where to study… I couldn’t make up my mind. I had been avoiding that problem since I was jobless. It would be almost two months now and I knew the fact that I wasn’t making anyone happy with my current situation. But I didn’t want this. I really didn’t. You think it’s so fun to be asked "What are you doing now? Where are you studying? etc" almost all the time and yet I didn’t know how to answer that without being embarrassed? I’d be depressed everytime I think of my uncertain future. What kind of course would provide a better future? I got lost in my own confusions. I had insomnia every night. I cried to sleep every night (or should I say, dawn, since I’d only sleep after 4am?)… But did anyone know that? People were assuming I was fine, I was being a sloth… I soon realised that it was so wrong to hide my misery under a happy face as everyone thought I was fine with the fact that I’m a good-for-nothing at the moment. I AM NOT! How can I prove that? The people whom I thought would understand how I felt, made me even more frustrated and felt like a pathetic failure when they told me hurtful things. I thought one would go through an uncertain phase in one’s life. I think I’m going through it now. What I need now is support, guidance and understanding… not more insults, or anything that could add on my negativity or worsen my already pathetic situation… This must be the hardest soul-searching journey that I’d ever done. Please anyone who reads this, pray for me that I’ll find my way soon, before I go insane! I sincerely thank you for your prayers & support!

I’m really scared I’ll do something stupid soon… All this time ever since my mom’s demise, I’ve felt my life has been rather meaningless. But what keeps me alive is the thought of God and those who have their innocent lives taken away when they deserve to stay on in this world. If it’s anything but stupid, I’d rather give up my life for those poor souls who could have so much ahead for them in their lives. Unlike me, living without a driving force is difficult. If only I have the guts to take the easy way out, I’m sure I would have done it long time ago. The truth is, I’m a coward to end the pain yet reluctant to embrace this life that’s supposed to be wonderful. I’m dwelling on the past that I can’t change and can’t look ahead for what awaits me. Thank God I have the Lord with me, His love gives me strength to live on. I admit I’m still trying to change into a more positive person, but it’s absolutely tough, with all these endles mounting problems. I guess I have to take all the strength I have and make things work for own’s sake. No more self-pity! No more negativity! It’s gonna be a bumpy road ahead, but I must remind myself to look on the bright side now onwards. I am determined this time. May I get all the support I need right now… If I don’t start helping myself, no one can… So, here goes another adventure in my life!

Dear Father in Heaven, please help me to go through all obstacles along my life’s journey and help me make the best out of my life! I must live up to my own words, "Live life to the fullest"! Thank you Lord for all Your guidance and love! Amen.

A friend of mine had a great saying: Failure isn’t the worst thing in the world, the worst thing is not to try!