I never wanted to be the eldest! =(
Well… If u ask me why I put that as the title… I have very very good reasons! Anyway, from now on, I’ve decided to blog as often as possible! Whatever or however I feel, I’ll make sure it’s posted on my blog… I seldom write diary nowadays. So, I think blogging would be the best option to release my feelings instead of bottling up! Ok now back to the main story… Why I never wanted to be a big sis, to be the eldest in my family?
Let me tell u why:
1) I don’t feel like my siblings (18 year old brother & 13 year old sister) respect me enough as their big sis. No matter how much I’ve sacrificed for them, they still treat me worse than dirt. I don’t think I deserve to be treated like crap ’cause I really care for them. Why can’t they see that I just want the best for them?
2) I have to be responsible for everything! I have to take the blame & responsibility when something goes wrong, even though it’s not my fault! I’m sick of being accused all the time. For crying out loud, I’m just a normal human being trying to survive myself in this cruel world! Why can’t my dad see that? Why put so much burden on me just because I am born the eldest?
3) Since my mom passed away in year 2000, dad and I had problems communicating. Being the eldest in the family just makes things even worse. I tried to talk to dad about the problems that I see in my family and nobody ever takes me seriously. Ok, enough with underestimating me! Why wouldn’t anyone in this family just listen to me? I have feelings too, u know?!
4) What’s the point of having an older step sister (She’s 26 this year) if dad still sees and treats me as the eldest in this family? That means, I still have to take the blames & responsibilities and not forgetting, looking after my ungrateful so-called siblings!! They are so disrespectful to me, sometimes they drive me crazy and make me almost taking the easy way out ’cause I’ve had it as the eldest!
5) I don’t wanna hear anymore, "Pui Ling, u are the eldest, u are supposed to guide and look after ur brother and sister"… or "Pui Ling, why u can’t take good care of ur siblings wan?"… "Pui Ling this, Pui Ling that"…!! So, people (not only dad, my relatives as well) come to me when there are problems with my siblings. Then, who am I supposed to turn to when I myself have problems? Why can’t they see? I can barely take care of my own self and manage my miserable life, let alone look after two disrespectful brats! I wonder what kids learn for Moral these days~
6) The best example, like today, when there’s something wrong with the modem… I have to do everything by myself, while that two brats ignore my plea to help me out. I can’t stand it anymore! My bro who is only 3 years younger than me should be sharing my burden, especially if he’s related to it. Instead, he just lets me solve the problem alone and blames younger sis for what happened. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe how selfish he is! It’s a long story, but I don’t think I have enough time or space to fill in everything here.
Whatever it is, I just learned something really important today. I am cursed as the eldest. It’s what I have to endure as the eldest in this dysfunctional family. Dad will never understand how I really feel. My siblings will always be so ungrateful, selfish and disrespectful. Not to mention my step mom… Ok, I think, there are some things that shouldn’t be revealed in my blog, so let it be… I’m just sick of being the eldest now! I never wished or wanted to be the eldest if this is how I end up feeling- HURT… and never-ending pain! It’s ok, I handled everything myself from the beginning. Fine, I’ll just solve any problem myself, no need to rely on my so-called siblings, especially the self-centred brother! What to do? I am the black sheep of my family! It’s ok, I’ll just solve the modem prob myself, just like how I handled the printer prob, computer, internet, etc etc etc… And all my siblings have to do is, have fun when they can! But when problems arise, they just run away and back off! Bila masa bersuka, oh, semua gembira, happily go online… Bila timbul masalah, masing-masing tak nak cuba selesaikan, padahal mereka pun ada tanggungjawab! Urgh!! It’s all right, I’m gonna be strong so that they can continue to depend on me and still won’t show me respect… It’s okay, I’ve been used all my life, why should I even be bothered right?! Anyhow, deep inside me, I just wish that, someday dad will understand my feelings and that I can finally have back the happy family that I once had… That is why I can’t wait to have a family of my own- with my hubby & kids… I lost my blissful family when mom passed away, 7 years ago… Till now, I don’t understand why God took her away from me, but I guess, I just have to face the fact that it happened and that everything happens for a reason, although I’ll never understand why I was born as the eldest! Mom, I wished u were still here with me… I miss u… When can I see u again? Please give ur daughter (me), strength to face her family… Somehow, I had to be "mothering" my siblings after mom’s demise… When will my life ever get better?? *Sighs* =’(
