My DrEaMviLLe

          Here’s another amazing passage on TRIALS from my quiet time… I just think it is absolutely important to know how to handle pressure properly as it is one never-ending thing that will happen throughout our lives… It is time we take a break & really ponder upon how we’ve been taking on pressure all this time. Instead of looking on all the negativity from our trials, we should really think on the bright side, because I am a person who believes everything happens for a reason… Although it may take some time before we finally discover why we’ve been put through all these tests that seem too hard to take… I just hope to share this coming passage with everyone who is being let down by life’s journey that is filled with sufferings & endless pain…

Romans 5:1-5 (from New International Version Bible)

          Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

          What makes a shiny apple look so delicious? The skin, of course. But what is it about an apple that actually makes it delicious? The juice and substance inside. That’s the apple’s real "character". I learned this as a boy watching my mom make applesauce. With a wooden pestle, she would mash the soft, boiled pieces of apple through a metal colander into a bowl, until all that remained in the colander were drab, flattened skins. But oh, the sauce tasted so good! God uses life’s pressures to bring out the sweetness of Christlike character in us. Tribulation (which means "pressure" in the Greek) also helps us realize the awful potential of our sin nature and see it for what it is-ugly and tasteless. Under pressure, all kinds of sins begin to surface-greed, selfishness, lust, pride. Pressure, whether from without or from an unrealistic perfectionism within, is a fact of our fallen world. God controls its intensity and duration so that we can recognize, confess, and renounce those fleshly "skins" that obscure Christ’s character in us. Tribulation is not something anyone seeks. But when it comes, the Holy Spirit will use it to create in us perseverance, character, and hope (Romans 5:3-4). -By Dennis De Haan

All God’s testings have a purpose–Someday you will see the light; All He asks is that you trust Him, Walk by faith and not by sight. -Zoller

"The gem of Christlike character is formed by pressure and refined by friction."

                                          Taken from Our Daily Bread; April 13, 2006.

       Here I came across this meaningful passage about TRIALS when I was doing my quiet time (Bible reading)… We all face trials & tribulations as we walk along life’s paths… But do we handle trials the right way? Many of us tend to grumble and blame God for any misfortune, even though we should be thankful in all situations… Of course, it’s always the case of easier said than done for most of us, including me, at times when life seems hopeless… However, do read on for some serious enlightenment… It may give you a brand new outlook on sufferings and the pain we have to be put through by God who loves us unconditionally…

1 Peter 4:1-3 (from New International Version Bible)

          Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for human desires, but rather for the will of God. For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do-living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry.

          Affliction, when we accept it with humility, can be instructive, a discipline that leads us to a deeper, fuller life. "Before I was afflicted, I went astray," David said, "but now I keep Your Word" (Psalm 119:67). Peter would agree: Affliction leads us not to live for ourselves "but for the will of God" (1 Peter 4:2). Far from being an obstacle to our spiritual growth, pain can be the instrument of it-if we’re trained by it. It can push us closer to God and deeper into His Word. It is a means by which He graciously shapes us to be like His Son, gradually giving us the compassion, contentment, tranquility, and courage we long and pray for. Without pain, we wouldn’t be all that God wants us to be. His strength shines brightest through human weakness. Has God set you apart today to receive instructions through suffering and pain? Endure this training patiently. He can turn the trial into a blessing. He can use it to draw you close to His heart and into His Word, teach you the lessons He intends for you to learn, and use it to bestow His grace on you. -By David Roper

By faith a Christian can have poise, And rise above all that annoys–Sustained and strengthened by God’s power, To live in victory hour by hour. -Hess

                        "Whatever God teaches us through pain is gain."

                                          Taken from Our Daily Bread; March 9, 2006.

          Hmm… It’s been so long since I last updated my blog… Many events happened during this few months… Well, the STPM results were out on March 16th. To my surprise, I passed every subject (I took Pengajian Am, Maths T, Biology & Chemistry)! Oh gosh, it was a huge shock as I expected to fail, especially Chemistry as I never managed to pass the exams in school… I even got A- for Pengajian Am (one of the 5 As among my classmates)… Typing all this, I’m still in disbelief. When I knew my results, I was actually overjoyed yet at the same time I was overwhelmed by guilt because I felt like I didn’t deserve to pass… A few days before the results were out, I was stressed out and felt regret that I screwed up my STPM (It was awful & a rough journey as I’d lost interest in studies as I entered Upper Six- plus with all the problems I had)… Take Maths for example, I admit that I was totally left out in this particular subject as I hardly concentrate during lessons. What others learned in 7 months, I had to catch up & learn in 7 days, thanks to some help from a few friends. Frankly, I love numbers and I like Maths since kindergarten, people even say I’m good in remembering dates. Somehow I couldn’t seem to focus on Form Six Maths… I seriously had a tough time learning what I’d missed out since I started Upper Six. Thank goodness for the interest in numbers, I just did my best with what I could absorb… Add Maths was tough enough for SPM level, what’s more STPM- in English some more! Needless to say, Chemistry was another big challenge! Despite going for tuition, I still sucked in it. And u know what? For the first time in my life, I “tembak” all the 50 answers for STPM Chemistry objective paper- the real STPM paper- no kidding man! Still, I passed… My oh my, I must be such a good “tembaker” (shooter), ei? (+_+) Although I was anxious about my results, I kept a positive mind as I knew that it wouldn’t be the end of the road for me if I were to fail STPM… “I reap what I sow”, I thought… Besides, every cloud has a silver lining and I’m one who doesn’t think that education (having a degree, etc…) is everything! There are many people who succeed in their lives without a higher education cert… Agree? U guys may think that I say this because I passed, but believe it or not, I’m just telling the truth of what I had in mind even before I got my results… What matters is the journey and whole process of learning, not the results… My results were much better than what I had set for my standard! I’m the more laid-back type and “No use crying over spilt milk”… Anyway, I was worried about people looking down on me if I wasn’t gonna further my studies, but I realized I shouldn’t bother what others would think. People who truly care about me wouldn’t despise me just because I’m not highly educated, right? Truthfully, I felt undeserving because many who did better than me in school didn’t make it for the real STPM… Whatever it is, I absolutely believe in one thing now- The importance of having faith! I had faith in the Lord that He would work things out for me ‘cause only He knows what’s best for me. I prayed and surrendered everything to Him. It’s 90% God, 10% Me. My favourite verses from the Bible are undeniably true: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) Well, it’s simply a MIRACLE I passed! God can work in such unexpected ways in our lives… Mentioning miracle, passing my STPM isn’t the only miracle that occurs in my life… Just barely 3 weeks ago before results, I won the tickets to Fort Minor’s concert. Frankly, I already gave up hope on winning since it was 26th February and there was still no news if I won any tickets (I entered the Galaxie mag contest). Moreover, I had no luck for Hitz.fm cue to sms for tickets, and I spent so much credit on that! Until that Sunday evening, I got the call that I won the Galaxie contest. I just came out from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel and jumping like a lunatic. It was such a surprise as I had already let go my dream to be at the concert. Who would have thought? My slogan was selected as one of the winners! Complete the sentence in 20 words or less: “I deserve to win because… I’d break through any fort, be it minor or major, just to catch Fort Minor in action! Believe me!” The concert was amazing, I even got to meet & greet Mike Shinoda and gang… But I was too stunned to speak! Getting to see Mike in person & touching him… It was so surreal! I thank God so much for giving me the wonderful opportunity! At least my effort on doing the postcard for the contest entry wasn’t wasted for nothing! The effort I put in was all worth it! The bottom line is: Have faith & Expect the unexpected! Miracle will happen, as long as u believe in one! Oh yeah, by the way, my friends (Ika, Yuni & Fairuz) & I went to Times Square Cosmo World for some fun, just to celebrate our A for Peng. Am- we always do crazy stuff- after stuffing ourselves with Pizza (Yuni’s treat)! (We celebrated as if we scored straight As) I gotta admit I’m a fainthearted person as I got so dizzy after the fourth and last ride- the DNA Mixer and vomited shortly after that… I was already having headache & imagine being bloated with so much food! I didn’t take the rollercoaster ride since I already freaked out! Man, if I knew that DNA Mixer would make me suffer for rest of the day, I wouldn’t have tried it! I was afraid of heights yet I dared myself trying the Solar Orbit thingy… Basically, I just got myself all whoozy & bruises with pain here and there… If I were to participate in Fear Factor, I guess it’s be my Doomsville end of me! Now u know me… *LOL*

(This was supposed to be posted on January 8th… Whatever was wrong with the computer… Get to post it at last! +_+)

    Hmm… It’s been a hectic week… I finally completed my training for my job, Card Direct Sales Executive for Citibank… Now the real challenge begins. I’m still anxious about it, wondering how am I supposed to get in 15 submissions for the first month (with soooo little support from my family and friends! So much for my “happy beginning” you see)… Seriously, the training itself had been draining my energy, making me tired all the time - fatigue. Worse, I had nausea… Gosh, it’s surprising that this nine-to-six job is actually more tiring than my ten-to-ten promoter job last time… Why so? First of all, I have to wake up as early as 6.30am, to get myself ready for work… And by the time work ends, it’s already 6 something in the evening when I reach Kajang KTM Station… Imagine all the walking and talking (I’ll have to make tonnes of calls for my job) for the whole day… Moreover, it’s as if I no longer have a life. I have to sacrifice my precious favourite thing to do, being a couch potato!!! Oh noooo, my fave tv programmes! Coming home from work, I’m already half-dead… And I can hear the bed and pillow calling me… That’s why, where to find the energy to stay awake and watch tv??? *Sobs* Thankfully, Tru Calling is ending on Star World. But then, there’s Charmed which is back with a new season. Lucky me, Smallville season 2 has come to the part that I’ve watched before. Thank God I’ll only work from Monday to Friday. (Bet there’s a lot of catching up to do on the weekends, especially sleep…) And having to take the lift every time I go to work, sort of make me feel one kind, like unstable, even while standing on the ground. Never mind, perhaps I’ll get used to it soon… Fortunately, I had a bunch of nice training mates. Although what I really disliked was, this one particular guy who was a chain smoker and always came into the room with the stinking smell of cigarettes! He was sitting behind me and the smell really made me feel so uncomfortable and dizzy! I hope I don’t have to encounter any workmates who would smell like cigarette smoke anymore! (+_+) Well, on the bright side, I can finally make my name PAULINE, official… No more calling my maiden name or my surname! *Smiles*
So, it’s new year… and I had my hair cut the other day, to mark a brand new year, like what I would do since three years ago… Just that, this year, I had the haircut a week after new year started. This year, it was shorter, shoulder length… Oh, there goes the “more-girlish” look…!! Uhuks, no more nice long hair flying when the wind blows… I just hope my hair would grow long soon! I’ll have to soften it again, ‘cause it’s turned rough after the haircut! *Frowns* See, it’s always my own fault… Who was the one who wanted an office job? So called to take up the challenge… Who was the one who wanted to work far away from Kajang? Who was the one who wanted a “ritual” new-year haircut? And I wasted RM22 on a tv-gameshow contest… Not like I won anything… I destroyed myself… I guess… There’s just a price to pay… I better learn my lesson… No more worldly stuff! I’m happy and satisfied with what I have… Ought to be that, or else, pay a higher price for another lesson then! Now, let’s just keep my fingers crossed for this job… I had the assuring feeling that I’d be able to survive the first month, but somehow, I just lost that feeling… So anxious and stressed out… Wonder how long I can cope with this crazy working (office) life before I lose my sanity and life, completely…!? We’ll see… Only time will tell… Till then, may God see me through…

         Sighs… It hasn’t been a good start of the new year for me… I started my training for my job as a card direct sales executive… I wanted to have an office job… be an O.L. (office lady)… Yeah, but what I didn’t expect was, it would involve so much hassle & stuff… Shopping for formal attire, brand new wardrobe… This and that… Worse, how to really look more like an O.L. instead of an immature teen-ish look… For crying out loud, I’ll be working in Citibank k… Gotta meet customers all… First day, awful… I had nausea, with this killing pain of headache… Who was so excited for this job? Adoi… Early morning, getting stuck in a packed train… just to reach my workplace in KL… A bad thing for someone who is so small-sized like me… Really feels like sandwich, with me being the meat (sardine, tuna… etc…) in between the bread… Yikes~ I really hope things will be better soon… New year konon… So-called lar… I just feel this string of bad luck that has been brought forward from last year… I thought there’s a brand new hope for a brand new year… Was I wrong? I hoped not… I’m still looking forward for a brighter future… Heh… When will there be a happy ending for once, in my life? Sighs again… Things just keep going wrong… God, help me! I thought there wouldn’t be homework anymore, not since I just finished my schooling life… College/University life is still way ahead of me… For now, it’s all work, work, work…!! Now that I end up at this cyber cafe, looking up information regarding credit cards… Troublesome since I have no internet access at home… Gee, tomorrow, gotta stand and be stuck in the too-loaded train again… And walk, walk, walk… Thank God my training mates are a bunch of nice people (not bad, considered friendly)… But the problem is with me… I kinda shy away from them… Didn’t know I was that reserved to myself…!!?? Aiseh… I’ll try harder to fit in the crowd… gain better communication skills… After all, this is the main thing for my job! New year, new (not so actually) resolutions… More like trying to achieve & fulfill last year’s undone resolutions… Life… So much for my happy ending, huh?~~~

Gosh, typing this makes me forget my main intention of being stuck in this cyber cafe… My info~~~ (+_+)

          F-R-I-E-N-D-S! I can say I am definitely one person who cannot live without FRIENDS! They are people who mean a lot to me; the Very Important People in my life! It doesn’t matter whether they are my just-normal, close, best or true friends, they are the ones who have helped me survive all this while, the ones who have been with me through thick and thin… Yes, friends are included in the category of people who come and go in my life… I have made uncountable friends and yet, lost a number of very very very good friends. One of my biggest regrets includes losing my one-time best-est friend back in Lower Secondary just because of a silly misunderstanding! She was my really superb companion. We did many things together. Many unforgettable sweet memories… I remember; once, we hanged out in Metro Plaza one afternoon before school started. We were having so much fun, checking out the colourful ink pens (yeah, that made us forgot what time it was!) until we did not realise we were running out of time as it was about to be 1 o’ clock. In the end, we were late to school and got off with a warning. In our hands, we were still holding Bubble Tea (our favourite drink back then)… Sadly, because of immaturity, I lost that best buddy forever (almost, we still keep in touch though)… But because of that incident, I gained a whole new gang of MCA friends—PL2, PY, CMei, WP, ET, PC, GF & LV! We played volleyball (which I sucked in it), had outings to shopping malls, etc etc… and even had our own group conflicts! Of course, we managed to sort things out later! Other than that, I have other clicks of friends, (obviously all girls since I was from Convent) my classmates and schoolmates (especially Alis, Vignes, Vee, Soo Yuen, Yen Min, Ain, Shasi… etc, etc…)! As I ventured into Form Six in Kajang High School, I made a bunch of new friends (and I never forget my old ones for sure)… Zulyka, Yuni, Meenu, Amar, Priya, Teik Lan, Azahani, Zati, Janet, Prem ge ge, ah Chan ko ko and whole lot more! (No hard feelings if I did not mention your name here, no matter what, I have you peeps in my heart- forever and ever!) I started doing more crazy stuff when I got into Form Six. And it was an entirely brand new environment as I had been in an all-girls school for 11 years, now that I had to cope with having males around (Nevertheless, there were very few guys in Bio class)… At the beginning, it was pretty much awkward, but as time flew by, I soon started to have fun mixing around… Oh not forgetting, my friends (or I prefer to call them my brothers and sisters in Christ) from church… My funny juniors (The Trinity)… Also not leaving behind, my workmate Sam, who was like my big bro, and Elyanna & Ati who were like my sisters! Besides that, I seriously hardly have any other male friends… *Laughs out loud* And MJ, thanks for being there and all the memorable moments! To everyone else who knows me and whom I know, u have my love & concern always! Thanks for being my friend! I would hereby express my endless gratitude for all your overflowing love, support and help as I walk through the paths in life! I would never trade anyone of you for anything in my whole life, ever! Please never leave each other ya?! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING, MY DEAREST TREASURED FRIENDS! Who am I without you guys and gals?! U have helped me to come this far… May we continue to motivate, lead, support, love and care for each other! As the saying goes: Make new friends, but never forget the old ones! FRIENDS FOREVER! I Love You All Always~~~~

          Life is not a bed of roses… I certainly agree to that phrase! Yeah, life is tough! For me, life is like a rose plant full of thorns, which represent the trials and tribulations in life; and the roses, which are the sweetest things that could happen in one’s life… And the stem of the plant, is the support where thorns grow on it and beautiful roses are produced from it… Well, my stem is definitely the One and only One— GOD! He puts me through trials and tribulations as I grow each day, to make me learn some precious lessons from each hardship… Every cloud has a silver lining… It’s absolutely true for me! However, He will not put me through temptations and difficulties that I cannot bear. I often let Him down, but He’s there for me, offering me His endless mercy and never-ending chances to improve. He has brought me out of darkness and help me find my way through the tunnel of light. I owe Him for the salvation I have through my Lord Jesus Christ. He sent His one and only Son to die for our sins. How amazingly unbelievable is that? Me, a once-spiritually-poor peasant, is now filled by His grace and everlasting love! A few days ago, my dad and I argued… Dad has been against Christianity all this while… I was such a bad testimony that I gave dad an opportunity to condemn God, and Lord Jesus my saviour! I was overwhelmed by a pang of guilt, I lost faith and I almost gave up on life… I thought, what good am I left to be in this world? I disappoint my dad; I am a failure, a disaster, a nightmare, the black sheep of my family- I screw up everything it seems… Dad and I lack communication since mom’s gone… He is so in his adult world and I am barely halfway through adulthood. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how my dad feels or thinks, and dad on the other hand, will never try to listen and see from my teenage perspective! What am I to do? Teenagers nowadays are way different than the teens in his era. I felt so useless when dad kept pointing out every little mistake I did (even when it never occurred to me what I did was actually wrong in dad’s eyes) and kept mentioning my problematic past. He still views me as the negative person I used to be when I have tried my best to prove to the world that I’m a changed person. This is what I meant earlier in my other journal, people just wouldn’t give me the chance to show that I’ve turned over a new leaf, though still pacing myself. With my PMS season, I got so emotional I let words slip off my tongue… The situation turned ugly. Thankfully, in the end, I managed to turn on dad’s silent mode, letting me finish my sentences without him chipping in and interrupting. Nonetheless, the conversation didn’t come to any conclusion as step mom called dad off for bedtime. Dad was my unsung hero, but once more, what happened??? I was rather frustrated, I thought that things between dad and I improved, that we’d let out what we’d bottled up all these years during a 3-hours long (emotional & unexpected)conversation, but I was wrong. The misunderstandings just make me feel that all my attempts to improve the cold situations are futile. To dad, I have no rights to defend myself nor voice out my opinion, how I feel. He told me that there’s no justice in this world. Even if I got accused of something I didn’t do, I’d have to take the blame. As for me, I’m not being aggressive or rebellious, I just want dad to know that I want to make the father-daughter relationship work out and create a better family environment. I failed! That is when I thought I should die instead of all the other innocent souls out there. They deserve a better life ahead. I am crushed. My hopes for a better life are shattered. I humiliated God, I failed Him as well, I was a disgrace to Him and His Kingdom! I wanted to take the easy way out. I didn’t and couldn’t… I was supposed to stay positive and think of a better solution. But my mind was in such a mess, all I thought was, to leave to somewhere far away. I wasted so much tears. The next day, I gained my courage, stepped up, and prayed to God that He’d restore my faith once again and guide me on what to do. Fortunately, my friend was there to save me. She’s my angel! PL2, I owe you this! Things were much better, but somehow, it still felt so awkward with dad at home… I just have to continue praying for things to be better and better… If all I’m going through now is my "wound", I hope that I could see the "pearl" soon! Guess I should work harder to enhance my everything (overall)! All credit is given to my Lord; He showed me that He IS still there for me, come what may! He lightened up my life once again when I was caught in life’s despair. He helped to ease my pain from afflictions. He stood by me through life’s ups-and-downs. I found peace… again… That is why, I’m going to live on with brand new hope, faith and outlook… Walk with faith in your heart, and you’ll never walk alone, for with faith in your heart, the world is yours to own, you never will grieve, if in Him you believe, so walk with faith in your heart!

Dear Father in Heaven, as not to let you down again, I’ll hold on to my favourite verses, Proverbs 3:5-6, I’ll strive for a more meaningful life ahead. Amen.

        Here is an intriguing passage I did for my quiet time… It was the most memorable one because I was so fascinated by what I read… Take a look!

Genesis 41:46-57 (from New International Version Bible)

          Joseph was thirty years old when he entered the service of Pharaoh king of Egypt. And Joseph went out from Pharaoh’s presence and traveled throughout Egypt. During the seven years of abundance the land produced plentifully. Joseph collected all the food produced in those seven years of abundance in Egypt and stored it in the cities. In each city he put the food grown in the fields surrounding it. Joseph stored up huge quantities of grain, like the sand of the sea; it was so much that he stopped keeping records because it was beyond measure.

          Before the years of famine came, two sons were born to Joseph by Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On. Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, "It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household." The second son he named Ephraim and said, It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering."

          The seven years of abundance in Egypt came to an end, and the seven years of famine began, just as Joseph has said. There was famine in all the other lands, but in the whole land of Egypt there was food. When all Egypt began to feel the famine, the people cried to Pharaoh for food. Then Pharaoh told all the Egyptians, "Go to Joseph and do what he tells you."

          When the famine had spread over the whole country, Joseph opened the storehouses and sold grain to the Egyptians, for the famine was severe throughout Egypt. And all the countries came to Egypt to buy grain from Joseph, because the famine was severe in all the world.

          When seemingly needless suffering invades our lives, we often ask ourselves, "Who needs all this grief?" But consider a moment, the origin of pearls. Each pearl is formed by an oyster’s internal response to a wound caused by an irritant, such as a grain of sand. Resources of repair rush to the injured area. The final result is a lustrous pearl. Something beautiful is created that would have been impossible without the wound. In today’s Bible reading, we see Joseph in a position of influence, a position God soon used to feed surrounding nations and Joseph’s family during famine. But how did he become influential? It began with a wound—being sold into slavery (Genesis 39)—which produced a pearl of usefulness. Because Joseph drew on God’s resources when humiliated, he became better, not bitter. He named his son Ephraim, which means "twice fruitful", and he said, "God has caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction" (41:52). Author Paul E. Billheimer says of Joseph, "If human pity could have rescued him from the sad part of his life, the glorious part that followed would have been lost." So if you’re suffering, remember: No wounds, no pearls! -By Joanie Yoder

If we accept adversity, Enduring every pain, Then we will learn what we should know; Our grief will turn to gain. -Sper

                        "Adversities are often blessings in disguise."

                                          Taken from Our Daily Bread; July 22, 2005.

          Confessions… Confessions… Hmm… Well, personally, LOVE plays an important role in my life. Love from my Saviour, Lord Jesus Christ; my family, mom & dad; lovely friends and basically, love from every person who cares about me. God’s love, is undeniably the greatest love of all. His never-ending unconditional love for us… It’s a wholesome experience, I am anticipating to be reunited with Him, once again! During my darkest hours, I know that God is the only One who will be there for me! Knowing that I have one true Friend always eases the pain that I’m going through… Next on the list of the most amazing love, is my beloved parents… Although mom is no longer with me physically, I can feel her existence next to me, when I cry under my comforter, which is the last gift from her. And dad, a hero whom I’ve never known he is, surprisingly shows that he is an inspiring counsellor who can make me feel that whatever pain or hardships I’m going through, are not that bad, and that I’m not the most unfortunate person in this world. Yes dad, you are right, there is no need to bother what or how others ridicule us, as long as we do what we should do (our responsibilities) and time will tell, who’s right and who’s wrong. Yes, because of an emotional and long conversation with dad (after all these years of lacking proper communication), I found the true way I should live my life. God, together with my parents, had helped me to cope with the ups and downs of life & I realised that there’s still HOPE in life… I hope that we would always continue to encourage, support, help, love and motivate each other. Apart from them, I have a superb circle of friends who have been with me all this while, sharing not only joy, but also sorrow as well… Their endless love gave a whole new meaning to my life. Who doesn’t need friends, right? But the truth is, good, reliable & trustworthy friends are difficult to find; I am so thankful to The Lord that He granted me with so many wonderful friends! Minus the peer pressure, my treasured friends have helped me through good & bad times… What will I do without them? I hope that I can keep the friendship I have with every single one of my buddies. Till death do us part! (For me, that phrase works for friendship too! ^_^ ) Now, mentioning the other kind of LOVE, as it is commonly known, the attraction force between opposite genders… Hmm, so far, (sad to say) I have not experience the beautiful part of it, as I always have my heart broken each time I fall in love. I wished I’d have a commitment with someone, but sadly, it never happened… The first guy: Things did not work out because I was still immature about all this lovey-dovey stuff. The second guy: I have no idea why he attracted me, perhaps his kindred spirit did. However, I was crushed when he had someone else. Third guy (at the moment): It is a Mission Impossible for us to be together… (In deep thoughts) I wonder why some Malaysians are still so sceptical about an inter-racial relationship…? For crying out loud, this is a multi-racial country, hey we are talking about Malaysia here! (Lets out a heavy sigh…) I always question God, "Why I’d meet Mr.Wrongs and the Mr.Right is not for me?", "Why that fate has to fool me, why let me meet HIM when we are not meant to be?", "Why am I always unlucky in this love field?"… Why, why, why? You guys have no idea how pro I am giving advice & helping people solve their love problems… Nevertheless, I am a failure in handling my own issues… I just don’t understand why would a guy choose to runaway & hide, instead of confronting the issue together… I’ve never been that courageous in my whole life until I knew this third guy… I seriously thought HE was THE ONE! But I guess, it’s never meant to be… I still don’t understand, why did I fall for someone who gave up without a fight…? And there’s this one guy whom I think is so my Prince Charming, but yet, I cannot and MUST NOT fall for him, ’cause my intuition tells me that, we are sooooo IMPOSSIBLE, despite how it’s never impossible with God… This is crazy & ridiculous! I don’t have a clue why, but I haven’t given up hope… I’ll continue to wait for my prayers & questions to be answered, even to my last breath… I just wonder, when can I finally let go, when HE has moved on with life…? Somehow, I prefer & rather stay single now… No commitment, no hassle, no heartbreaks… No matter what, I still have GOD, dad & my precious friends! Love… Will I ever have the kind of fairytale love story I’ve always dreamed of? I guess only God knows & time will tell… Anyway, may the Cupid continue to work miracles in all the couples’ lives! True love is once in a lifetime! Don’t miss it, don’t let it be the one thing you regret most in your life~~

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark… To be kicked, when you’re down, to feel like you’ve been pushed around… That’s the start of the chorus of Simple Plan’s Welcome To My Life… I love that song so much, especially the line, "You might think I’m happy, but I’m not gonna be okay"… I used to be a really happy-go-lucky girl, who wouldn’t be bothered by any petty stuff. Sadly, I transformed into a total different person after my mom passed away… I became sensitive, getting emotional easily… No one will ever understand, unless he/she goes through the pain I went through, losing my mom, who was always there for me when I stirred up troubles. She was my pillar of support. I didn’t realise that her demise would bring such a change in my life. I became a pathetic person, always crying (Yeah, to my Convent girlfriends, thanks for tolerating me during my darkest hour!)… I turned over a new leaf once again, when my dearest friend invited me to church. Knowing that the Mighty Lord is there for me, my Father, Creator, and everything, makes me feel like I’m not alone. But I was still a pessimist, until I attended the motivational camp organised by Socso back in Form 5 (Thanks to Dad for forcing me there, I learned that I should never take things for granted!)… A sense of guilt & at the same time, relief, clouded me… Seeing many other unfortunate orphans made me grateful that I still have my Daddy, at least. I tried very hard to be the girl I was, the bubbly girl who was full of laughter. No matter how hard I tried, there were people who didn’t give me the opportunity to prove that I was no longer the annoying cry baby. There were so many hindrances that made me broke down. Thankfully, I didn’t give up completely, so I did my best to show the world the brand new me. Even so, there’s a side effect that just won’t go away. Sensitive. That’s what people call me (sadly)… Believe it or not, I gotta say, I have very serious case of PMS (girls should know about this), I really hate my unstable raging hormones. They’d go crazy every once in a month, causing me to be having rollercoaster moodswings. Anyhow, I did some research on that & already trying to lessen its symptoms… Trust me, you have no idea how awful I feel about this… I wish there’s more I can do about that issue… Oh, why my hormones have to be that way? Other times of the month, I’d stay as cheerful as I could! Oh yeah, people should watch out, not to trigger my sensitive point during PMS season… Yep, I do get mad pretty fast but I’m more of the I-will-forget-everything-the-next-minute type. Still, it depends on what that somebody did. From what I know, God forgives me, I’ll have to forgive & forget as well! (Laughs) Strange but true… I just pray hard that there will be a more effective way to banish that irritating "disease"… Till then, I hope I won’t be hurting the innocent souls out there! (Begging) PLEASE FORGIVE me once I get cranky… That’s just me… and my hormones… Sighs…